Almost every night I have nightmares of people never thinking I’m good enough, throwing me away into a deep pit. I cant shake that feeling of being so worthless that not even my parents want me. Everyday I think of ways to kill myself, different creative ways to hurt myself but in places people wont over see, I think of killing others, destroying there feelings like others have done to me. My anxiety is peaking at its worst, I never want to go anywhere. Im terrified of going to the store, to get food, hang out with friends, anything. Because i think that someone will confront me about who I am, what I am, what I look like, my height. I try so hard to find excuses on how to not leave the house.
I’m constantly on edge, even when I’m at home. Because my brother is a worthless man whore that finds every way to beat me down to my lowest, threatens to kill me, slit my throat. Even his friends joined in one time and were threatening me. Ive never had a good bond with my brother due to things he did to me when i was younger.. I dont want to go into detail.
I cant sleep properly, Im constantly tired, I have black rings under my eyes, I wake up in the night due to my bad dreams, or waking up for no reason. Its torture. I have random anger outbursts where i want to break things, and i have broken things before. And gotten in so much trouble for it, but not being able to tell my parents why because my self suffering would just hurt them.
Everyday I wake up wishing I hadn’t of woken, in my mess of a room that Im too lazy to clean. I turn over to the sun piercing into whats left inside me, my parents screaming at me to get up because its past 12pm. I struggle to rip myself from the only safe place in my bed. The place I’m glued too, the only safe place i can be relaxed. When i do manage to get out of bed i try my best to avoid my family, I lost myself into my technology world and ignore reality. Until reality kicks my backside and I’m forced to face it, Whether I like it or not. I find drawing is a chore and I find it less enjoyable. Yet i still offer people art, force myself to sit in front of a screen for hours on end hoping to impress someone. But others seem to attracted more attention. Left me in the background and it cycle repeats.
People ask me why i hide my face and never smile but I give them a bullshit reason why and never the real deal because I know if I told them they would try and help me. Truth is, I hate being helped. It makes me feel so stupid, useless, unachievable to do it myself. Then people try to force help me and it just breaks me even more. Im clingy to people, I get too attached and when they move on I cant accept what happened and blame it all on me for not being what they wanted, throwing myself into that dark pit. Then my depression gets worse and I’d give anything to get that one person back. But i believe I’m NEVER good enough, not even for myself.
I have a tendency to space out all the time, feeling like I’ve lost all grip on reality. Feeling like I’m not in my body but a spectator unable to change that mode and space back in. Someone has to shove me or make a loud bang. Sometimes when I space out i get flash backs of what my child hood was like, how happy i was sometimes, or how shitty everything was. With my brother and moving so many times. Leaving EVERYTHING behind in my home country. All my friends and belongings, my dignity left behind and unable to be found.
Thats all i have to say… thanks for reading..